tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30957271740138470782024-03-19T02:43:22.788-07:00The Lonelyman DiariesJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-6489636496540395052017-12-31T02:38:00.001-08:002017-12-31T02:38:32.318-08:00The Books I Read in 2017<div class="MsoNormal">
I am usually late to the party when it comes to making New
Year’s resolutions; 2017 was no different for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few weeks into the new year, I decided that I want to read
more books in one year than I had ever read before. I believe that before 2017 I had never read
more than seven or so books front to back in a calendar year. The allure of video games, movies, social
media scrolling, and shorter articles normally nabbed my sedentary hours. I set my sights high and aimed for 25 books.
Any book counted towards the goal as long as I read the entire book.This is not
a particularly stellar goal as I know of people who read nearly 200 books a
year, but I believe everybody fights their own battles and we must set our
goals commensurate to our unique experience in this world. Here follows the
list of books I read from front to back in the year of our Lord MMXVII,
including my nominations for book of the year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Big Ideas: The Sociology Book (Dorling
Kindersley)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sex at Dawn (Chris Ryan, Cacilda Jetha)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Evolution of Desire (David M. Buss)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Over the Edge of the World (Laurence Bergreen)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Captain James Cook: An Biography (Richard Hough)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Autography of Charles Darwin (Charles
Darwin)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Churchill’s Wit (Richard M. Langworth)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Upside: The New Science of Post-traumatic Growth
(Jim Rendon)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sport, Physical Activity, and the Law (Alan
Goldberger, Linda Carpenter, Neil Dougherty)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Anxious: Using the brain to understand and treat
fear and anxiety (Joseph LeDoux)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Originals: How non-conformists move the world
(Adam Grant)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Wisest One in the Room: How You can Benefit
from Social Psychology’s Most Powerful Insights (Lee Ross, Thomas Gilovich)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->A History of the English-speaking Peoples
(Winston Churchill)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Meditations (Marcus Aurelius)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Prince (Niccolo Machiavelli)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->On Liberty (John Stuart Mill)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Communist Manifesto (Karl Marx, Fredrich
Engels)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Freakonomics (Stephen Dubner, Steven Levitt)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Outliers (Malcolm Gladwell)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Operator (Robert O’Neil)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Tools of Titans (Tim Ferriss)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Zero to One (Peter Thiel)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human
Societies (Jared Diamond)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Jan Smuts: Unafraid of Greatness<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Hillbilly Elegy (JD Vance)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Code of the Street (Elijah Anderson)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Homegoing (Yaa Gyasi)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Snow Crash (Neal Stephenson)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Diamond Age (Neal Stephenson)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Super Afrikaners (Ivor Wilkins, Hans
Strydom)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
3 30 books in all, I achieved my goal!</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will allow you to draw your own conclusions of my
interests based on my reading list, but I think one thing worth pointing out is
that I only read three works of fiction (27, 28, 29). I probably should invest more time into reading
fiction to balance out my psyche.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The top three books for me this year: In third place, The
Operator by Robert O’Neill. I suppose
like most males I am interested in military things even though I do not see
myself ever joining the military. I
loved the inside look into Navy SEAL life and the exposition of the
authenticity of dealing with the good and bad of being the man who got Osama
bin Laden.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the second place, Over the Edge of the World: Magellan’s
Terrifying Circumnavigation of the Globe by Laurence Bergreen. In times past, when I engaged with history I
would always wonder what it was like when groups of people who never contacted
each other would finally meet. This book
enlightened me in this regard and also showed me how difficult life on a ship
could be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best book I read in 2017… Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric
Origins of Human Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. This is an academic argument written for a
general audience and I believe it is an argument made brilliantly well. Are humans monogamous? Probably not.
Based on my reading of the book, I understood that humans are actually
polyamorous beings. This understanding
strikes at the core of my Christian upbringing where one man was meant for one
woman. Although, I still believe trust
in my Christian upbringing I now have more understanding for those who struggle
with the cultural standard of monogamy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On a different note, the best movie I saw this year was The
Class Castle. The best band of 2017 for
was The National with Gospel being the song of the year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
To everyone around the world, may God bless your 2018 and
may you read numerous good books.</div>
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-74416626336052752862017-04-04T09:21:00.002-07:002017-04-04T09:21:16.289-07:00The Mutt I Didn't Think I Would Be<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPItt8dj9wkHtU3oxHI5utfwTPg-Al-5pbvId61Cdj_s7TALlPS1Fuff8fz_wr7zzyuRi6me-oAoLx-MtSLcpJJmxSNGiphUC17bmeFDAHDAWPRfMTpZnirokTFjeX_ICrIqpCvMsGKH5m/s1600/Ancestry+JLK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="289" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPItt8dj9wkHtU3oxHI5utfwTPg-Al-5pbvId61Cdj_s7TALlPS1Fuff8fz_wr7zzyuRi6me-oAoLx-MtSLcpJJmxSNGiphUC17bmeFDAHDAWPRfMTpZnirokTFjeX_ICrIqpCvMsGKH5m/s640/Ancestry+JLK.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiKNQ2CVwlUOF28Elowm57-cyEUSRb-N67GBn7UOquF4fAI5pEUSUZolkMFfQgfgYi4AYYr_vAQKQtxPjRLnzC3yn2VfDwTOHDZBf8uy6ttYsvr_mccq8RmAbRIAWKwukzETjLmx8hHK_e/s1600/Detailed+Ancestry+JLK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiKNQ2CVwlUOF28Elowm57-cyEUSRb-N67GBn7UOquF4fAI5pEUSUZolkMFfQgfgYi4AYYr_vAQKQtxPjRLnzC3yn2VfDwTOHDZBf8uy6ttYsvr_mccq8RmAbRIAWKwukzETjLmx8hHK_e/s400/Detailed+Ancestry+JLK.jpg" width="205" /></a><br />
<br />
There you have it: my DNA results from AncestryDNA.com. I waited nearly two and a half months and spent my birthday money for this late birthday present. Yes, I am the type of person who buys a DNA test for himself for his birthday. <br />
<br />
Whatever the case may be, I am, just like everyone who takes the test it seems, surprised at the result. However, I would say my surprise might be greater than your average chap or lass who takes the test. I will tell you about my surprise.<br />
<br />
I grew up an Afrikaner. I am of the people who came from the Netherlands to start a refreshment post at the foot of Africa for the Dutch East India Company. I am of the people who crossed the harsh interior and Drakensberg mountains of South Africa barefoot and lugging their whole lives on ox carts. I am of the people who fought a bitter, failed war of independence against imperial Britain. I am of the people who oppressed millions of Africans in the name of ethnic superiority. I am of the people who are few, but who, like the Jews, managed to make an indelible impact on history for good and evil. <br />
My last name has strong German roots. My mother's and grandmothers' last names alluded to French and Dutch ancestry. As far as I know, my paternal lineage of ancestors have been living in South Africa since before the year 1700.<br />
<br />
At least, I THOUGHT I was all these things.<br />
<br />
With the test from AncestryDNA, all of the above gets thrown on its head. I find out that I am nearly two-thirds the imperialists my ancestors struggled so bitterly against. I find out that I am merely 1% Western European, when all the last names were pointing to this region. I find out that my blond is not a Germanic blond, but a Scandinavian blonde. I find out that my tendency to speak with the hands in one-on-one communication must be because of that 11% Italian/Greek descent. I find out that I am only 97% white - the old hands during the Apartheid regime would hardly have thought this sufficient for a white in a one-drop-rule society. I find out that, somewhere along the way, a Melanesian fought his/her way into my ancestry alongside a Kazakh and a native Southern African. <br />
<br />
The conversations and enquiry into my past has only just begun. God knows how this may affect my future and thoughts about the world. The only sure thing at this point in time is that I am not the mutt I thought I would be.Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-765366984662671782017-03-18T20:57:00.001-07:002017-03-18T20:57:38.029-07:00On His Twenty and ThirdLife has a way of running about. Of this day you marvel at the much that is yet to come and of the other you lament all that has been - that which could have been and that which should never have been. Yet, through the daily meditations and considerations of the now, life never ceases to abound round about the pondering. To the point, it seems, where we may ask what is even the purpose of reflection? Why remove yourself from the ceaseless whirl that is life in all its richness?<br />
I answer, with mere twenty and three years of wisdom, with a theory, certain to amend to tomorrow's lore, which calls upon the modern meanderer to consider the goings of the times, of people, of nature at the odd stop. Consider and ponder their significance from every viewpoint that the mind can conjure up. Let it teach you as no other could. Ere you be consumed, do proceed away. Proceed away with the richness of experience, with the richness of feeling so deeply and join again ceaseless whirl of life and all. Man was meant to traverse, to sample, but also to grow. So paradoxical is movement and stasis, traversing and laying down roots, that logic fails to comprehend. Yet, such is the story of mankind - a juxtaposition of logic - but uniquely, truly, unequivocally human.Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-27230803962900097762016-11-04T13:02:00.002-07:002016-11-04T13:04:38.549-07:00Why I am Single: An Exposé<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">I have debated for a long time as to whether I should take a
shot at writing about this particular subject or whether I should afford it to
linger and stew for even longer within me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is probably, in all my life, the thing that I have been struggling
with the most and, honestly, it is the reason why my blog has the title that it
has.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bear with me and pray for strength
for me as I try to lay bare my biggest struggle for all the world to see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope that what I write actually makes it on
to the internet and doesn’t lay dormant in a file deep within my computer,
never to see the light of day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A final
disclaimer before we jump right into my greatest apprehension: I write not this
for pity, for attention or for someone to necessarily save me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I write this to empathise with others who
struggle (you are not alone) and to humanize myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my greatest objections of social media
is that it seems to spur us on to only ever show the very best of ourselves to
the quiet, onlooking world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We tell
others of our achievements, our strengths, our beauty, our intellect, our happy
disposition, but never do we tell the world of that which bothers us, our
insecurities, our fears and the pains we carry in our ostensibly smiling
dispositions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope through this
writing to give myself less reason to fear and more reason to have the courage
to do what I really want to do – to get to know the hearts of the hundreds of
faces that pass me by every day whether it be to abate my singleness or whether
it be for His Kingdom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">As some of you may know, I have been single all my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a topic stirs up a mixed
reaction within me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel proud that I
have avoided relationships that could have hurt me and removed my naivety about
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tend to give people the
benefit of the doubt and see the good in others, probably because no one has
ever really hurt me to an unforgiving degree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Had I been grievously hurt, God knows how negative I may have been about
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand though, I feel
a deep sense of longing that I have never truly taken the chance of getting to
know someone beyond “How are you?” “What is your favourite band?” and “Who are
you voting for?”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That said, I am drawn
to deep conversation and really getting to know people’s stories, but I must
admit that this has been primarily limited to males.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot say that I have ever had a female
best friend; friends, yes, but best friend, no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think this to be quite tragic, actually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can I go about this life and experience
it in its entirety if I never get to know half of the human race?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believe me, women are fascinating to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spend a disproportionate of my time
considering their nature and trying to learn about them through vicarious
means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As much as I have come to know
about the fairer sex through alternative mediums, the second-hand knowledge
just doesn’t seem to hit the spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
desire for more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I desire to touch, to
feel, to see, to smell these majestic creatures, to use way too dramatic and
poetic terms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I fear!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am crippled by inaction!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I state that I desire to know more, but my
actions show avoidance rather than action or even curiosity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I berate myself so, so often for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My head can be a violent place sometimes –
primarily towards myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can be quite
the perfectionist and thus I oftentimes have little mercy for myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can be quite understanding and gracious
towards others, but for myself, I set cripplingly high standards which make me
feel like a failure so often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
probably rattle off a long list of all the failures I have had (relative to my
own standards), when, in reality, I have much to be proud of.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">One of the most crippling, heart-wrenching things that I
hear about myself (and this happens every now and then) is if someone says they
want to get to talk to me, but are too intimidated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This actually happened only minutes before I
started writing this post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was told by
an admirable fellow at the lunch table that some of his female friends want to
talk to me, but are too intimidated to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My first reaction to this is to sink into a hell-hole of grief and
misery because I know (and I told the admirable fellow this) that there may
never be communication between myself and his friends because I am probably
more scared of them than they are of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Just writing that sentence is like feeling a fiery dart sear through my
soul, but it is quite true – at least if one considers my actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think a well-adjusted guy would have
reacted to the statement by the admirable fellow with something to this accord,
“So, do you think you could introduce me?” As much as it is my desire to ask
the selfsame question, my immediate reaction is one of lamentation rather than
action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe the key for me is to
simply stop these negative cognitive distortions and rather let instinct take
over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The instinct knows what to do, but
the heart is heavy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In general though, I can say that I have a hard time in
giving compliments to people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The main
reason for this is because authenticity is important to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not want to compliment something about
someone unless I am sure that I really do like that aspect of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Considering this in a male-female interaction
paradigm, I think many conversations are started by men towards women because
they might compliment the woman on something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I most certainly see many beautiful women in my meanderings in this
life, but I don’t know if I have ever told an acquaintance or a stranger that I
thought she was beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
rationalization for this is because I don’t want my very first interaction with
someone to indicate that what I value about her is her appearance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, yes, the beauty is what drew me to
look at you and is most likely what spurs the desire within me to bridge the
gap between us, but I try so very hard to treat people in a Deontological
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean by this that I treat
everyone I come across not as a means to an end, but an end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other words, even if nothing else comes
from our brief or lengthy moment of contact I had you for a moment and that is
all that should matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If something
extra such as a hug, a friendship, a relationship comes forth from it, then
that is absolutely a bonus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will admit
that the deontological approach to treating people is extremely hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I so often want more than just the person
from an interaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am someone that
really likes to be touched.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might not
always show this (probably because of being untouched for so long), but almost
every time I am touched by a female I am in a dream-like state for a little
while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can I keep to this philosophy
then if I so desire a something as simple as touch?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God knows how this virgin would react to an
embrace, a kiss or sex!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would like to
know too, believe me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All shall be
revealed in its good and intended time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">To bring this point to a close, it’s hard not to compliment
someone on appearance if that is by far and away the most salient
characteristic about that person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
end result is that I say nothing due to this moral-neurotic holding pattern
(when I could have remarked something about her shoes, for example) and the
person walks on, out of my life forever and I did not have the guts to
communicate a simple gesture which would have afforded that moment of eye
contact to proceed onwards to who knows how long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The tragedy and triumph about being a man in the society and
times we live in is that your limit is your courage do and to act (relationally
speaking).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is great when you have
the courage and take appropriate action, but absolutely tragic when you don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how successful, attractive,
distinguished, good, rich, etc. you become, if you don’t have the courage to
face rejection and talk to a woman, you almost certainly will never have one in
your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God did say that it is not
good for man to be alone and I know that life is better together than alone;
therefore I need and want more female influence in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will never happen unless I develop the
courage to change that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">I know within my heart of hearts that I have much life, joy,
growth and wisdom to bring to any person that comes across my way on this good
earth, but even more so to a woman with whom I get to share intimacy with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A tragic life is one without intimacy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In spite of all the academic and sporting
strivings I have made, my life lacks intimacy and therefore I am
incomplete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Corinthians 13:1-3 sums it
up so, so well: “<span class="text">If I speak in the tongues of men or of
angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.</span>
<span id="en-NIV-28668"><span class="text"><sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">2 </span></sup>If I have the gift of
prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith
that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.</span></span> <span id="en-NIV-28669"><span class="text"><sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">3 </span></sup>If I give all I possess to
the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have
love, I gain nothing.</span>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
reading this passage is a tear-jerker for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I do understand that it doesn’t necessarily specifically refers to
romantic love, but I think we can all agree that romantic love is certainly a
part of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am missing that aspect
of love and I will never be complete therewithout regardless of moving
mountains, fathoming all mysteries and giving everything to the poor –
therewithout I lack.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span class="text"><o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">You have my utmost gratitude for making it
this far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will probably end with this
paragraph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I still have so much
more to say on this topic – I wrote much, but didn’t say much at all though my
period of lamentation has passed and my ideas and feelings have past as well.
However, this is the first step in me being more honest of what I lack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never publicly admitted to what I
admitted to in this post, so, regardless of what this day further brings, I can
have some pride as to the small step taken by the post, but the giant leap that
is hopefully in progress. </span></span><br />
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span><br />
<span class="text"><o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></o:p></span><br />
<span class="text" style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p>I feel somewhat embarrassed that I have made such a big deal out of something that is actually easily fixable. There are people with significantly worse struggles than my own who cope with it just fine. However, this struggle is mine and it affects me and therefore I do have the right to feel duly affected by it.</o:p></span><br />
<span class="text"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">We march<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span class="text">TheLonelyman</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-23687747198223439962016-10-20T09:37:00.001-07:002016-10-20T09:40:48.550-07:00Not too Dysfunctional: Gratitude and a Sense of Purpose<br />
<div style="line-height: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I am taking
Abnormal Psychology this semester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
class has stimulated a great deal of enlightenment within me, as my eyes have
been further opened to suffering in this world – suffering of others and
suffering of myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would like to
believe that the first step in defeating an enemy is to get to know them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have gotten to know very many enemies this
semester!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the most recent chapter
personality disorders were discussed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Schizoid personality disorder (extreme social isolation, but no desire
to change it) and Avoidant personality disorder (extreme social isolation and a
strong desire to change this, but inability to do so) stood out to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were required to make a forum post (Prompt
was: Which disorder was most surprising to you?) about the contents of the
chapter and this was my response:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">“The Schizoid and
Avoidant personality disorders were personality disorders that were not
necessarily surprising to me, but types which, whilst reading, awakened a
sense of sorrowful remembrance, but also gratitude and a sense of
purpose within me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I saw a
psychologist (thanks to gentle nudging therewards by my family) back
in 2013 with the hopes of getting some clarity on various issues I had in my
life mostly centring around social anxiety. After a few sessions with the
therapist, she stated that I had a mild form of social anxiety. I
certainly had the desire to approach, talk and enjoy other people (unlike the
schizoid type), but had a good deal of fear and numerous terrible,
non-self-serving cognitions (like the avoidant personality type) that held me
back from living my life more fully and completely. Since the diagnosis I
have taken up the sword and the shield to defeat the demons of my past and I
have fought this fight publicly - I have created a blog that mostly deals with
social anxiety and fears that I struggle with. I certainly have not
completely vanquished the enemy, but I have come a long way in living a life
more closely to what I am truly capable of living. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">Reading about the
avoidant personality type was especially heart-wrenching because I identify
with so many of the characteristics that outline diagnosis for avoidant
personality. I actually wondered why I was not diagnosed with avoidant
personality disorder, however, the text discussed how many researchers consider
avoidant personality disorder to be a more severe form of social anxiety rather
than a diagnostic category in and of itself. This discussion made me
realize that even though I certainly had social anxiety, my condition was a far
cry from avoidant personality disorder. I had it good, so to speak.
I had an acutely strong appreciation for my parents and family for letting
me grow up in the wonderful way that I did so that I developed sufficient
resilience to not devolve into a more severe form of anxiety. I wondered
how different I could have been had I grown up in a broken, dysfunctional home
in a war-torn, impoverished area where hope is something that you only see
in the movies - not a daily reality. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I can only thank
God that I was lucky enough to grow up in a loving family who probably (in
no way do I think is this an overstatement) saved me. I can only hope
that one day I may help improve dysfunctional families/communities
and contribute to overcoming fear that resides in others, much like Marsha
Linehan did to take up the fight with borderline personality disorder which she
was afflicted by for so many years. I think we all deserve the
opportunity to have a shot at self-actualisation which is the very top of
Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I feel that I have a responsibility to get
others to the point of seeing that promised land. What someone does with
their shot at self-actualization is, however, up to them.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "verdana";"> </span></o:p></div>
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-63680540645248395582016-10-14T20:49:00.002-07:002016-10-14T20:49:05.587-07:00Discomfited
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For those that wonder about USA’s Homecoming Elections, I
can tell you that I have lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plain and
simple – defeated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As is the tendency of a soul such as my own, there is a
tumultuous conundrum of feelings, thoughts and fears mulling through my soul at
this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, do take what I am to say
with a good dash of salt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are a number of negative things that are bubbling at
the surface of my heart to tell you of this campaign – oh, many!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things that happened that hurt me dearly,
things that happened that I wish never did, but I will not use this public
platform to announce my short-sighted emotionality to all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I will remain honest and I will
express my largest concern with the campaign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think that the majority was not right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There, I said it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I have
that off my chest I will say that I spite of my personal opinion that the
majority was wrong, I will say that I am a believer in the system of
democracy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I respect it – dearly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore, the result I shall not contest –
instead, it has my blessing and I wish the winners all the very best for a
joyous period for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am truly happy
for the chance they will have to experience a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May they go in peace and success in all their
ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here I am though, another blot added to the once white
flag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The common observer might contest
that this formerly white flag of my life could never have been the clean white that
I suppose it to have been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
dastardly, devilishly, tattered, torn, broken, dirty, vile, unloved, devoid of
light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From such no good can proceed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On the surface, they are not incorrect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life story has been, shall we say,
inundated with grandiose, lofty goals that in virtually every circumstance
failed to come to fruition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
campaign loss will hardly make a dent on the flag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Indeed, it joins but a sea of loss and
sorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I seem to always set myself
goals that are just beyond the Pale, just beyond the cusp of reality, just
above the stars, just out of reach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The shadow of melancholy that naturally descends upon the
loser after his/her discomfiture is a common guest to my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose one could say I know failure on a
first name basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, I will have you
know that, in spite of our familiarity, failure is not a pleasant fellow at
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Failure barges into one’s house at
the worst of times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Failure is
inappropriate in its control of tongue and heart to be sore and hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Failure knocks out the columns of the sturdy
structure of self-esteem – only to reveal how fragile it actually was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Failure swoops one down to lowest ring of
hell for to make one think that such is normal and real and one’s destiny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Failure blots out the light of hope that has
learned to rekindle itself after his every visitation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I despise failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wish for it to depart from me for it feels terrible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But the shadow, the cloud it passes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The dark and lamentable obstruction of hope
has never caused the night to drag on endlessly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The morning, the sun will come again one
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tragedy of it all is that we
know not when the light will break through the dense and hefty clouds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may be in the morning or may we may not
live to see that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yet, my heart is fixed – trusting in the Lord, my God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I trust this pervasive, yet hardly easily
reachable Being with more than just the now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His concept of time and perspective I can never match.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only we could, maybe today’s horrors would
be more intelligible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we look upon a
murky, veiled glass of the future – one which no man can decipher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, the Lord calls us upon the waters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He calls us into the deep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He calls us beyond our boundaries – beyond the
Pale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For in his foresight He knows
where this bosom, the wandering, meandering minstrel must lay his head to rest
one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For there where the head doth
find his rest – there the world shall be made to know a soul, a story that has
never been told before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A story that, in
spite of its own shortcomings and dark endings, will establish light, hope for
all of mankind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day that day will
come and today’s suffering will enlighten the murky glass which no man can see
to open our eyes more completely, more fully to the magnificent vision that the
Creator of all has for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today is not that day though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This hour is an hour of wolves, of shattered
shields, of breaking of fellowships, of loss, of sorrow and of tragedy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This shadow will pass, but it must run its
full course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For if it does not run its
intended course, no lesson, no growth may be procured from its lamentable
presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I say to failure, to this
shadow, stay but for a season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teach me
your lessons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prune me so that tomorrow
when you are gone I may serve as a beacon for my fellow beings who are lost as
well that we may know that we are not as lost as we may think we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let your darkness actually be the spark to
set the kindling of our souls alight so that this all-consuming fire may be
ensample for the world of overcoming, of rebounding, of rising again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let us not descend into the un-innocent,
elegant, unmagnificent lives of the lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bring us to that promised land that flows with milk and honey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teach us the skills needed to get there, so
that today’s loss may one day be seen for what it truly is – a stepping stone
to things greater than anything we can imagine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I thank the thousands of people who voted for me. I thank
the opposition who run a hell of a challenging campaign that gave me growth
like nothing else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thank the numerous
that helped my campaign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thank my God
for bringing me to this challenge and I trust in Him to bring me to that
promised land.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The shadow will teach me
more than the cup of victory ever can. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And so to this shadow, I will say, teach me, grow me, build
me, strengthen me and enlighten me as only you can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-47206199290408552162016-09-15T10:35:00.002-07:002016-09-15T10:35:56.552-07:00On Understanding TraumaA post I made today for an online abnormal psychology class regarding trauma:<br />
<br />
Undoubtedly the reason for traumatic research being such a controversial topic is because it involves the extremes of the human experience. The lowest dales of life are encapsulated by the word trauma. It has the power to bring kings to their knees, cause empires to fall and, on a more personal level, for love to flee and to be replaced by hate and fear. Whenever one deals with such extremes in the human experience it is no easy task to find calm, reasonable, well-thought out thoughts about the events that have occurred. Traumatized humans seem to regress to more base levels of functioning, if you will, to more reptilian brain cognitions. Not that reptilian brain functions are bad, in fact, without them life, as we know it, would be impossible. However, the reptilian brain has the tendency to not view life for all that it is. This brain has a manner of viewing life in a boxed, narrow and restricted manner. Therefore we need calmness, patience and inquiry into all facets of experience to behold the picture in its exorbitant, contradicting beauty more fully. In the heat of trauma or in its destructive wake, such multifaceted inquiry can be one of the hardest things imaginable to do as it may very well involve facing up to realities which are not easy to accept, but which need to be entertained in due time for true healing and growth to occur - which is what, in the end, we all seek and which is the best we can hope for after the whole world seemed to have collapsed one fell swoop.Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-90921348552741653612016-09-03T16:34:00.002-07:002016-09-04T14:36:59.312-07:00Rise With the WelterweightsToday is a really special day in the 53 year long story of my university. Our football team managed to pull of the biggest upsets in all of college football in the last 5 years according to an ESPN FPI poll. <br />
The moment our victory was secured, I, along with my track teammates who were following the game, were in raptures. It was one of the best experiences I have had at my almost four years at the University of South Alabama. <br />
<br />
The massive upstaging had me thinking (as most things seem to) about a choice that seems to come upon most of us at one point or another in our time here on Earth. The choice between joining something that is already renowned, already successful and already making big changes in the world or going there where there is not a beaten path, there where there is no long road yet taken.<br />
This is a decision I, like many of you all, faced back in 2012 when I was in high school deciding which university I want to be my future Alma Mater. There were prestigious, world-famous names on my shortlist of possible universities. Yet, among the best and brightest, there was a name I had never heard before I was contacted by the selfsame name - South Alabama. Chances are that if you don't have any vested interest in the university you may never have heard about it. <br />
Those who know my story know that I picked South through directive of God. However, after being there for almost 4 years, I would make the same choice were it to redo it.<br />
<br />
There is something to said for falling in line with the elite, but I would like to think there is something even more to be said for joining the welterweights. You see, a big institution does not need you as it has an everlong list of distinguished persons and there is always someone willing to sign on. A smaller institution that is one the rise has more imperative to want you. I would say that there is more glory in helping something rise to greatness than merely keeping something in the same state it has always been.<br />
Seeing South Alabama grow from 2013 to 2016 has been an incredible experience thusfar. To think, we have people still involved with the university who were here at its creation. Imagine that, you saw something go from a thought in your head or a few words on a scrap of paper to an institution that enriches the lives of tens of thousands. That, I think, is a sense of accomplishment that is not easily matched.<br />
<br />
I, for one, believe that the best place to achieve this feeling of accomplishment is among the less renowned. Take something and make it great. Climb the long ladder of success. Be a pioneer. You may not see the fruits of your labour now, or even in your lifetime, but the thousands and the millions that will follow, most certainly will relish the fruit of your labour. <br />
<br />
Do it for them.<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-1715540708181792822016-08-27T22:04:00.001-07:002016-08-27T22:20:38.377-07:00Eluding Love's Long Ladder<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It has a manner of casting us to and fro in the winds<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">A feeling of hope from newborn novelty.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The excitement of the uncertainty of the pursuit.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Blinded to being cognizant of its rapacious ephemeral nature<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The pursuit presses onwards<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Only towards the doom of gloom which so often befalls the pursuers<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The lovelorn are left looking for more unrequited love<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The coast of companionship is so far beyond common sight<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Time is poured into diverse facets of life<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Yet the frothing pot stews in the background of all life</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Love’s long ladder eludes the desirous again<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">To be left only more disillusioned and void of hope<o:p></o:p></span>Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-61983605497956825722016-08-14T20:12:00.000-07:002016-08-14T20:14:33.768-07:00Within the Cathedral of the Lowly Aged<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: small;">Mid the din of youth’s cascading
exuberance<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: small;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Strong and beautiful and smooth
to the right and left<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Bright faces shining in
directions many<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>The rhythm of the drum shakes the
floor, the soul<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>The menagerie of bodies uplifts
the spirit<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
Within the lively cathedral of
the lowly aged<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Where hope abounds outwardly and
esteem collapses inward<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Your story is no different<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>A wallflower of sorts – eyes upon
the lively figures, the ears attend to every syllable<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>The skin to excitement and the
heart racing to and fro’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
An outward appearance of
connection and enjoyment<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Covering the inner turmoil of
being within yet without<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>The stark impetus of time rolling
relentlessly onwards<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>To make fear home in the heart<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>To sense your mortality waning<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Feet rooted to the spot<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>The brief sensational nirvana
rears an ugly visage<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Regret of not pushing the bounds<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Hurt of not reaching across the
chasm<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Inner death for lack of bodily
fluidity<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
You slip away<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>The wallflower, now the flower on
the river<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Flowing away from the life<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span>Streaming to the space of
desolate solitude</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
For the contemplations and
thoughts to consume the last light within<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-22202190909384229712016-07-31T06:02:00.001-07:002016-07-31T06:02:44.437-07:00Oom Johan se Gebed
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ons kom hier te stane voor U, Here, met die wete dat U almagtig,
sowerein en unstuitbaar is<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">U neem weg en U gee - na gelang van U eie willkeur<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Niks vind plaas daarsonder nie.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Vandag het ons lening van oom Johan verstryk by U<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sy tyd het gekom om weer terug te keer na die werklike land van melk en
heuning<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Al die vrae wat ons nog ooit gehad het, al die wonders wat ons gewonder
het,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Al die gedagtes wat ons gedink het – hy weet dit nou<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hy ken dit nou<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nes U alomteenwoordig is, is hy ook nou<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hy het ons vermaak met sy sieninge en uitsprake oor die lewe vanuit
beperkde kennis<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ons kan onsself net indink al die wonderlike sieninge wat hy nou het
oor die heelal met onbeperkde kennis!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ek hoop rerig U neem dit vir ons op video sodat ons ook eendag daarin
kan verheug<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ek weet U sal – U is daai tipe God<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Die wonderlike ding van die dood is dat dit inderwerklikheid vrede
bring vir die afgestorwene<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Kan ‘n mens dan iets beters vra as om alwetend, alomteenwoordig en
woonagtig in ‘n stad van goud te wees?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nee wat, ek dink hy geniet nou sy gate uit in die Paradys!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Die tragedie van die dood is egter by ons sterflike skepsels steeds
hier op aarde.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Jitte Here, dis darem ‘n hartseer besigheid!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ons kan hom nie meer sien nie!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nie meer na sy stories luister nie!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nie meer die plaas aan hom ruik nie!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nie meer sy hande in ons hande voel nie!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Geen wonder ons sit met soveel pyn nie.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As daar ooit ‘n tyd in hul lewens was, is dit nou om by hierdie
sterflikes te wees.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Kinders Johannes en Anneke, broers Gert en Pieter, suster Gesina,
vriende, neefs, niggies, vriende, geliefdes, kollegas, student – Here, dié
mense roep uit na U vir antwoorde, genade en verlossing<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ek bid dat U by hulle mag wees.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Laat die angel van die dood hulle nie te veel laat ly nie.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Inteendeel, Here, laat ons wat nog op Aarde gespaar is, liefs verder
gaan as begrafnis hou, treur en tob<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here, laat ons sy nalatenskap op Aarde voortvat en ter ere van hom leef<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Laat sy lewe, wat nou slegs te vinde is ons harte, onsselwe aanspoor om
die wereld ‘n beter plek te maak.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Laat ons nie sy nalatenskap onaangeraak laat nie – laat dit tot die
uithoeke van die wereld gaan om sy tydjie hier op Aarde ietwat te verleng; al
is dit slegs deur aksie<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ons kom hier te stane voor U, Here, met die wete dat U almagtig,
sowerein en unstuitbaar is<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">U neem weg en U gee - na gelang van U eie willkeur<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Niks vind plaas daarsonder nie.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
In U Almagtige Naam Alleen bid ons dit<br />
Amen<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-51983890131004317712016-05-04T09:59:00.000-07:002016-05-04T09:59:26.514-07:00Another YearRollerbags, moms and dads, boxes, pickup trucks, caps and gowns, the trees in forest green, the nights abrupt, the days everlong, the heat a-searing<br />
The end must be near<br />
Another year<br />
Another year committed to history<br />
Friends a-fleeting<br />
Off to summer's promise of sun, sea and for some, work<br />
<br />
The streets that were once lined with cars and filled with the hubbub of daily life<br />
Now lay empty in the wake of the exodus<br />
Chairs filled with smiling, crying, angry and sleepy youths<br />
Now are open for the winds to erode<br />
The days are at peace, the nights void of the usual music and campus drama<br />
The familiar distant faces that passed by on the way<br />
Here to be found, they are not<br />
<br />
The empty buildings echo between each other<br />
To tell the tales of another year<br />
The extravagant, the conventional, the sinner, the saint<br />
All have left<br />
Only the brave remain to endure the sticky and empty days<br />
<br />
Another annum<br />
They came with hope and nerves<br />
They left with wisdom and fatigue<br />
Some to never return<br />
And here I am<br />
Seeing all that has been lost<br />
<br />
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-51674279769763065222016-02-29T07:38:00.001-08:002016-02-29T07:38:25.713-08:00The NelipotToday is a special day. Leap day! All are required to jump over a person or object at least once today to celebrate the wonder of human legs and the ability to jump. Yes, you must be thankful for jumping because elephants, for example, cannot jump and they certainly are majestic and wonderful creatures, just like you, I assume.<br />
<br />
I thought it fitting to touch another special breed of people on this fine day - nelipots. It is a neologism, that is correct. It refers to people who go about life without shoes. If you have seen me around the fair estate of South Alabama, you might have spotted me therewithout on the chill of a freezing morning or the melt of summer's noon. It is said that when I am seen with shoes you can make a wish. It is also about as rare a sight as Halley's comet.<br />
<br />
The question oftentimes arises as to why I do not cover my feet with some protection or, as my one teammate aptly described them, foot prisons (shoes) and foot jails (sandals). Here is a reply that I quote from a message I once sent:<br />
<br />
"Yes, I do have shoes. I actually had a pair of shoes in backpack and I had the sandals with me as well. I am blessed beyond measure because I have numerous pairs of shoes in my room. I just choose not to wear them frequently. One of the main reasons is that I want to feel more connected with Earth and because I want to feel more. By having shoes and lots of clothes on, it is easy to be numbed from the beauty of experience that is around us all day. It's almost like I can dip my toes into understanding how our distant forefathers must have felt when life was much harder than it is now. Luckily for me, I can open up my backpack, put shoes on and be relieved of pain, but they could not, so really they are far greater than I am. Another reason why I do it so publicly is because I want people to think twice about why they do what they do, think what they think and wear what they wear. If I can walk around barefoot in January are shoes really that necessary? We are programmed by society to think that we need certain things, when really we are brainwashed to desire a bunch of stuff that are not really important. My hope is not per se that other people would go barefoot, but more along the line that people should be less materialistic.
I also understand that it is not something I will be able to do forever and there are places that I have to wear shoes, so it's not like I am being obnoxious about my desire to not wear shoes."<br />
<br />
To reiterate, I think that sensory experiences and emotions are wonderful aspects of life. We really do overvalue emotion in the West because we constantly enquire about others emotions when really emotions we can easily dissociate ourselves from our emotions and still do great things. I know that in Eastern cultures emotion is not as big of a deal as it is in the West. However, to me, emotion makes life more worth it. Would you really work as hard if you could never feel satisfaction from achieving your goals? Would you go to concerts, play video games, watch movies, listen to music if you could not experience happiness, sadness, fear, excitement, etc.? Yes, many of us would still do those things, but they certainly will be far less worth it. A good, full life, I assert, is one where you get to go through the full range of human emotion at their appropriate times. This does mean that you can be too happy, just as you can be too sad. So, really it all comes down to balancing the tensions of opposites of human experiences. Sometimes we must temporarily unbalance the system, especially if you have massive ambitions, but eventually all must return to equilibrium lest ye die.<br />
<br />
I leave y'all/youse guys with the following story I read in "Thirsty, Swimming in the Lake" which is a book about Eastern therapy. <br />
I man had a surgery of his mouth and his mouth will be in pain for the next five days. His girlfriend, who he has not seen for many months, will come and visit him, but only for the next 5 days and will leave again for many months. He has to chose, will he take the pain relief medication, but not feel her affection and kisses at all or will he not take pain relief medications and feel pain, but also feel the full extent of her kisses. <br />
The choice is yours.<br />
As a nelipot, I chose option two. I try not to relieve myself from every pain that is in this life and rather feel the full spectrum of high, low and middle that life offers us. I believe that I will feel life more fully even if that means feeling pain more fully.<br />
<br />
Not everyone will value emotion and sensory experience as much as I do. That is understandable, because they can be distracting from actually doing things. I might be so caught up in feeling that I never do. The opposite of my problem would be someone who always does, but never feels.<br />
<br />
Once again, the middle is best and know that free men and women still walk this earth!<br />
TheLonelyman (who is also TheNelipotman)Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-14614123861808745232016-02-04T19:58:00.001-08:002016-02-04T20:11:35.043-08:00Happy Alone?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It was not as though I have not,
for I have a multitude</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Yet, alone I stand, the many
being silent</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The present - a similitude</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Of days, of nights, of pain, like
a struck flint</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">On old wounds – ablaze</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Be
all you can be</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It
is of him, the slogan spoke</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-align: right; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The man that stands proud like the forest
tree</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-align: right; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">He makes of his enemies a joke</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-align: right; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The knight in tempered armour</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The blazing wound cast the present
alike to the past</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Have you even moved beyond
yesterday?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Look, you sit staring at those
passed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">No more closer are they</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Ever distant. Ever beyond. Forever
out of reach?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">When
he strode</span><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The
men, the women, the children were aghast</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Such
strength!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such power! Out of him it
flowed.</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">On
the hearts of them, his net he cast</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The
adoration of all, the hope of all</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In this intense introversion I am
reminded</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Merely the presence of my
multitude is not enough</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Many a valley, many a mind, still
lay unchartered</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It is not meet for me to pull
myself a bluff</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Yet, the fear of crossing
boundaries, is my master</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Fears?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has, doubtless</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Enemies?
He has, certainly</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Valour
he uses to strike fear to the less</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">His
enemies look upon him jealously</span></div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">For
they know, he is their true ruler</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">If only the boundaries could be
easily crossed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The seemingly high mountains easily
scaled</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">But suddenly, to my eyes hers
traversed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Will I be he who failed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Or rise to claim her stare, ever
longer?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Nay,
I go into the smelter</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It
is not for him to be he who failed</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">For
my armour I shall temper</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">He
opens his mouth, her stare to be hailed <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">This
he is me - all I could ever be<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-57668690746168167582015-11-30T18:25:00.003-08:002015-11-30T18:25:52.460-08:00You Versus the ChallengeThere, wherever you may be, you lay an inch from death in front of the challenge. <br />
<br />
It has insolently come before you, putting your desire, your fire, your hopes on display for its gnarly teeth to clamp down into. You feel the searing cut of the sharper of the teeth and the unforgiving pressure of the flatter of the teeth. Before long, not only its teeth gnaws its way through your flesh, but its numerous limbs take seamlessly orchestrated strikes at your weaknesses. The challenge possesses mental abilities as well, beyond merely brawn and force. The challenge seems to know that which makes you tremble and fear, that which makes you dread the sunset and the coming of the night and that which keeps you awake at night dreading the start of the day more than its ending. It threatens your very core and shakes the foundations of your soul as an unexpectant earthquake rips through the hustle and bustle of daily, repeated motion of a grand city on a glorious summer's day. You are left a-questioning, left fearing. Indeed, the challenge has disconnected you from your very self. There seems to be no light, no saviour, no silver lining, no chance for redemption. <br />
<br />
<br />
Yet, in the depths of despair, in hell's fury, in the valley of the beast, in the lion's den, you still have something. You have life! Life; so glorious a brevity bestowed upon us by the Ancient of Days, which has escaped billions already, but lay kicking, willing, knowing in your bosom. Life is what you have that the challenge does not have - that which the challenge will never have. The challenge only seeks to exterminate the very last life from you as you lay writhing in despair in the pit. Yet, dear reader, you must rise! Rise from the grave like the phoenix of legend. Rise to claim the fullness and the abundance of the glory of life that your Maker has given you. You must claw with your very blood gushing in passion out of that pit. You must struggle unto your feet with the pride that still remains. You must raise your eyes and lock your stare with the challenge with the last inkling of courage that remains within you. Finally, you must turn the challenge upon its head by laying down itself in front of it. You must provide it with a mirror image of itself within you. "The challenge is no more external to me, but the challenge is within me!" you must roar, loud and long, to the challenge's ugly head. The challenge will run in fear, cower and the victim will have become the victor!<br />
<br />
Whatever challenge you may be facing as you read this, know that you are able, you are willing, you are courageous, and you WILL overcome! Think that one day when you are old and infirm, you will long again for these days of blood of sweat of tears for never at any other point in your life than in these days of struggle were you more acutely aware of how alive you are and how glorious it is to be alive.<br />
<br />
There is no greater an honour than the fight against the challenge. Battles with the challenge are said to echo into eternity.<br />
<br />
The more difficult the struggle, the more glorious the triumph.<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-54667713868545502082015-11-08T14:36:00.000-08:002015-11-08T14:36:57.092-08:00The Sands of TimeOn Sunday afternoons, I have a tradition of Skyping with my parents. I do this considering that, other than text, I have no other way to immediately communicate with them. Older people may say that back in my day the only way you could contact home was via snail mail. I understand their points, that must have been hell, but not even a live video stream of your loved ones can truly ever replace being right there, next to them. However, being in my third year of university 7000 miles from home, the pain of separation fades quietly into history. Yet some Sundays I am left more than nostalgic than I normally am after attempting to bridge the great Atlantic divide. Maybe it's because it's rainy and grey outside. Maybe it's because Homecoming at South Alabama finished yesterday. Maybe it's because I don't have any practice today. I suppose all of these things have come together and placed me in a ruminative mood. Today my thoughts are turned towards time.<br />
<br />
I have mentioned in previous posts how it seems to me that every semester I have spent at the University of South Alabama is better than the one that preceded it. At the end of the Spring of this year I thought the Spring could not be topped, yet, here am I, sad on a Sunday afternoon in early November and I can almost cry with gratitude of an amazing semester so far. The biggest mistake I made in my first semester in Spring 2013 was that I spent way too much time on my own in my room. 95% of the times I went to the caf, I would sit alone and further sink into sadness of being alone and further into the doldrums of my head. Each semester that percentage has decreased to the point where nowadays 5% of the time I sit alone . I haven't played video games since the summer because I am in constant contact with people and I have had no lonely weekend excursions on my bike because there is always a friend around that wants to do something or there is someone new to meet and to get to know. How then, considering how far I have come from the desolate days of early 2013, am I seasoned with a hint of sadness today? Time. Time and the tragedy thereof.<br />
<br />
The past few days have enlightened me again to the tragedy which is the brevity of human life. It always seems that as though there is not enough time. Whenever you come to, the event you have dreamed about is already a distant memory. It seems like only yesterday when I was playing in the arid field of Koingnaas (my original hometown), dodging snakes and scorpions and my worst fear being to not knock out a house window hitting some balls toward the house whilst swinging some golf clubs! I close my eyes from those everlong days and open them to being in my third year of university wondering where all those years went. It's funny how when I live in carpe diem manner I seem to worry more about the passage of time whereas if I live unproductively and lazily, the passage of time is insignificant. Maybe it's because when you live every day to its maximum potential, you are made more acutely aware of how much more you could have done. Trying to balance sport, academics, personal growth, love and friendships is hard because you can always look back and say that I could have done more for this one or for that one. That is, as they would say, where prioritizing comes in. How do you prioritize life when you want to have it all? How do I say no to playing soccer with friends when I want to do well in academics? From an economical or societal perspective, doing your homework is better, but from a human perspective playing soccer with my friends is more important than learning the origins and insertions of elbow muscles. <br />
<br />
Maybe more than anything I am caught in the web of fear of missing out. If I work on personal development, I might be skipping out of an important practice. If I study for a test, I miss a movie night with friends. In all those situations, I want both, but the tragedy of time is that you can only pick one. The real tragedy lies in the fact that when you have chosen one, you cannot go back and relive that other when your first choice is completed. The Almighty hath made this universe one where (at least as far as it is practical) time is linear. Time and life spent on one thing is forever lost for the other. Yet, that is a more negative way to look at it. More positively said, time and life not spent on one thing is forever gained for the other. My mother always told me that tears you shed are like pearls, you are only born with a set amount of pearls, therefore you cannot spend them indiscriminately. Same goes for time, when we were born, the Greatest endowed us with a set, but unknown amount of time. Our task at this genesis was to spend the time in the most excellent way possible. To never waste, but never be too frugal with all that time either because other than the tear-pearls (which you have a relatively good deal of control over) the time we are given slowly trickles from our lives, just like sand trickles out of an hourglass. Our finite time is therefore spent whether we consciously choose to do so or not. <br />
<br />
I suppose therefore the origin of this Sunday feels is that the sand of my hourglass, your hourglass, our hourglasses is trickling away into the bottomless pit of history. Our time is running out. This is nothing new, that's for sure, but do know that even though consciously "unspent time" casually drifts away into the abyss, consciously spent time goes exactly where your heart desires it to go. We have not been bestowed power to control every facet of this beautiful life (but that's why it is beautiful!), but we have been given our knapsack full of time. Use that, my dear reader, in the most excellent way possible. <br />
<br />
I leave you with the words of Gandalf in reaction to Frodo's regret of being bestowed the Ring, "So, do all who live to see such times, but it is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring in which case you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."<br />
<br />
Do not go quietly into that night<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-91351115879996205402015-09-30T12:42:00.001-07:002015-09-30T12:57:37.063-07:00Thormania: An Adventure Lived Vicariously through Yik YakAn interesting trend has occurred with me in my time in college. Ever since my very first semester at South Alabama in January 2013, each semester that followed was better than the preceding one. By the time we reached the end of Spring 2014, I thought to myself that it would be impossible to improve thereon. How wrong I was! I am now in Fall 2015 and life is absolutely beautiful. It's not for me to go on about achievements or any of the like, but I will tell you about a little cellphone app that has put my personal growth (especially with respect to relating to women) on an accelerated pace. If you are at South Alabama, Yik-Yak may bring a smile, a frown or a cringe to your face. Hopefully my post today can turn the frowns upside down and encourage the few who take time to read this.<br />
<br />
I always knew about Yik-Yak what it was about (basically a service where you read anonymous tweets or "yaks" by people in your area) and I knew that I had been mentioned by some yakkers before. The extent whereto the conversation in the collective conscious of South's student populace raged about me was something I was placidly unaware of. Every now and then a friend or teammate would tell me about me being mentioned. It was at the beginning of this month that much of these mentions were happening, but back then I didn't have the app. Sometimes I wonder how my behavior and thoughts would have been different had I downloaded the app earlier because the Thor furor was actually borderline unsafe. For those that do not know, a number of people on South's campus consider me to be Thor. I should note that I am not the only one to be called by this name, but I seem to be the most enduring Thor on campus. Why Thor? Long, dirty blonde hair I suppose. A lot of people have long dirty blonde hair, yes? Indeed, but people seem to remember me more than the others. Maybe it's because of my shoelessness, maybe it's because of my short shorts, maybe it's because of my mad biking skills. <br />
<br />
Regardless, the Thormania of early September was borderline unsafe because people were actually yakking about my every move. I am not kidding. When I entered or left a building someone would yak about it. Obviously I did not know this at the time, but found out weeks later. There were actually numerous yakkers who stood up for me and told these people that were yakking my every move to stop doing that because I needed privacy. Had people not told me about this, I would have been completely oblivious about it. I saw no change in behaviour of people towards me during those weeks. Just the odd stare here and there, but that was normal for me. Maybe now and then someone would stop and proclaim to others that I am Thor and even a brave few asked me whether I was Thor. That was it though. The point of this paragraph was to highlight that even though something might be at the very forefront of the collective consciousness of an entire people, there is a chance that those affected by it may never know about it. Why is that? I wish I had a definitive answer, but fear would definitely be up there.<br />
<br />
Fear brings me to the next big idea in this post. As I said earlier, a brave few ever contacted me during this period. All those that did I ended up having fruitful exchanges with. There was one though that stood head and shoulders above the others. It started with something innocuous as asking whether I had a Kik by an anonymous profile on a social media. She will henceforth be titled Thoradorer to protect her identity as well. I did not have a Kik at the time and before I knew I was asked something I could give, but it would be hard for me to do so. My blog is all about transparency, but this one I will keep mum. Before long my relationship with Thoradorer took all kinds of turns. She asked tough questions and I was back in the psychologist's office of June 2013. The struggles I took to the psychologist in 2013 has not been entirely resolved. I came to the conclusion that socially I have grown tremendously because I am much more able to communicate with others, relate to others and build and maintain friendships. I am really proud of having come this far, but Thoradorer was not happy and wanted to see more progress. We realized that I still struggle with self-worth and self-esteem issues (I actually blogged about this back in 2014). These same issues arguably contribute at least somewhat to my underperforming in discus. However, I have always been aware of these two issues and I could openly admit to them. I have made some progress on them since 2013, but not enough. Thoradorer then pushed onwards and hit hard on probably my greatest struggle so far in this life - romance and women. I have never had a girlfriend and I have never gone on a date before (well, at least I haven't been on a one-on-one excursion with one female that both parties described as a date). Thoradorer's digging commenced.<br />
<br />
I will not go into details about the conversation, but will highlight some themes that came from them. I have developed so many defense mechanisms, rationalizations and intellectualizations about my woman-less life. Some defense mechanisms include me moralizing that I don't want to approach women based on looks alone (which, on average, most men do). This happens because some of my feminism teachings has told me that women don't want to be catcalled or solely looked upon for their beauty. I overcompensate and try to not even look at women sometimes, when in the end, I do everyone a disservice by not making eye contact. So, I am really sorry for all the people I never looked at (I am not a cold person, just shy) and especially to the one girl who made her hair pretty for me and I never noticed it (I am so sorry, had I know I would at the very least have given you the respect you deserve). Since this realization I have made a concerted effort to make more contact (both duration and frequency with strangers). I also try to smile and I must say this has been a powerful boost to my self-esteem. It's absolutely brightens my day when I smile at a girl and she smiles back. It's one of those things that make every other struggle in this life seem like nothing at all. <br />
Another fear/defense mechanism is that I fear failure and rejection. The idea that someone would not want to talk to me or not give me a chance is tough for me because I have never approached any woman with evil intentions (not that I can remember). However, it shouldn't be an attack on my character if someone says no to me. There are a plethora of reasons why someone would say no and most of the time it comes down to time and place. <br />
A final one that I will share in this post (before it becomes way too long) is that I have always been a bit closed for romance. It's funny, I blog about how I desire it and many nights I feel very lonely but I seem to resist it at the same time. How could someone that desires something so much also fear it so much? However, I know that I can never fully enjoy this life, fully grow if I don't season my maleness with external femaleness. I strongly believe in the Greek maxim, "Nothing in excess." which to me means balance. I cannot become the best athlete if I cannot look a woman in the eye without being overcome with anxiety, I cannot become a great husband if I do not get to understand the hearts, the minds, the wiles, the games, the triumphs and tragedies of women and I certainly cannot become a great father if I cannot be brave enough to stand up for women. <br />
<br />
How does Yik-Yak play into all of this personal development? Well, other than helping me discover all my struggles and finally giving me the confidence to admit openly that I struggle with romance, Thoradorer told me download Yik-Yak. It was a great decision. It did exactly as she said it would. I used to put women on a pedestal, in other words I idealized them too much (too much idealization leads to too much fear and eventually disappointment). The app helped me to humanize all members of the fairer sex that surround me. I learn that they have same anxieties that I do. The same anxiety that builds up in me if I feel the desire to approach or talk to a girl, that same anxiety is within them when I am around. I like to think about the analogy of the spider and I. When I see the spider, I am scared as hell of it, but when the spider sees me, it's probably at least equally as scared! If we both could just admit our fears then this life would be so much less of a hassle. Because I am aware of this fear, any girl that has the courage to talk to me I always tell her that she is courageous. I tell it because I understand the fear, I tell it because I know I am too scared to do it and I tell it that what she did is especially brave in a culture that tells women to wait for love. Love and romance is out there for all of us, but it is only to be gained by those brave enough to reach out and take it. That's why we often find ourselves questioning couples so often. How in the world did he manage to get her because she is so high above him? He simply was the bravest. Even if you are the best looking guy, with all the money, all the abdominal muscles in the right places and with all the right moves, if you know what I mean, you will never date to your potential unless you have the courage to take the leap of faith - to break the barriers of non-communication between you and your target and be prepared to fail. That, my dear readers, is what I need to learn to do before my time in college runs out. I have the opportunity of a lifetime. Many men would kill to be in a position of campus fame as myself (and would also much better make use of this privilege than I am currently doing). <br />
<br />
If you are reading this and wanted to talk to me, hey, my social medias are always open and I make time for everyone - ugly or beautiful, short or tall, fat or thin, black or white. My belief is still that human relationships are the most important thing in this life. I will always make time for others, but know that I am just as scared as you are about taking the leap of faith. I mean, I am writing an entire essay about how scared I am about talking to girls and God knows whether it may change anything or whether it may just make me get comfortable because I got a fear of my chest. The key though to personal growth is to never become truly content. There is always more to chase, more to aspire to, but don't take this too far though. Eventually, for things and people outside, of ourselves we all have to settle for something at some point. Don't settle too soon, but don't wait too long either - both are just as bad. <br />
<br />
My thanks go out to my fellow students and especially Thoradorer for challenging and changing me through the cut-throat world which is Yik-Yak. I see the very worst of humanity thereon, but also the very best of humanity and that, my dear readers, gives me courage, joy and, above all, hope. Thormania may have petered out, but maybe now Thor will move from our screens and right into our actual lives. That, that is beautiful thing.<br />
<br />
All of life is interaction<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-54534893158681074262015-08-22T16:05:00.002-07:002015-08-22T16:07:09.277-07:00Ontskakeling van ons ErfenisAs mens op jou bed sit en Dana Snyman se Onder die Radar lees (dankie Agtersitplekvensterdromer) en die laatsomer Saterdag son se laaste strale deur jou onoopmaakbare venster die boek se bladsye verhelder word mens sommer op 'n reis van heimwe<span style="font-family: Calibri;">ë geplaas na dae wat lank reeds vergaan is. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Soos Dana vertel van sy kinderdae in ons land se dro<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">e</span>ë intern, daar in Kuruman se wereld, word ek ook vlugtelik na my eie kinderdorpe van Hondeklipbaai, Koingnaas en Kleinzee vervoer in die soorgelyke droe<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">ë, maar helder Namakwaland</span>. My eie en Dana se lewensverhale is nie noodwendig dieselfde nie, maar vanuit elke bladsy tap daar gevoelens en emosies wat my terugneem na Suid-Afrika. Die woorde van elke bladsy laat my ook terselfde tyd die verlede met die hede en die toekoms kontrasteer. Dis ongelooflik hoe baie ons Afrikaner volk verander het in die afgelope 30 jaar. As 'n 21 jarige jongman het ek die voorreg om deel van die ewolusie van ons volk en mense te wees. Ons word intern gewroeg deur destydse mantras dat die Afrikaner by die suidpunt van Afrika geplaas is deur God om beskawing na die mense en die land te bring en hedendaagse ontnugtering waar honderde duisende Afrikaners die land verlaat en heeltemal afvallig word van ons erfenis, godsdiens en geskiedenis.<br />
<br />
Dit is verseker 'n interessante tyd om Afrikaans te wees, veral iemand soos myself wat hier aan Amerika se suidpunt sit. Ek het die voorreg van 'n uitkyk wat toelaat dat ek ons kultuur en mense se ewolusie dop te hou met minder partydigheid as een wat tans in ons kulturele warboel is. Dit blyk of ons stry of ons ons taal, kultuur en leefwyse moet prysgee en liewer konformeer met die internasionale gemeenskap van Engels praat, internet lewens lei, tegnologies gedrewe wees en liberale denkwyses aanneem of die ander kant van die munt verg weer dat ons soos die Israeliete van ouds vasklou aan oorbleefsels van 'n tyd van ossewa bestuur en nie-Afrikaners uit sluit uit ons lewens. 'n Mens kan nogal hierdie stryd van tradisie teen modernisme in ons musiek sien. Die Steve Hofmeyrs en Bok van Blerke van die wereld speel op bang Afrikaners se gevoelens om ons te laat dink dat ons kultuur aan't uitsterwe is. Die Fokofpolisiekarre en Die Antwoorde is weer helde van die renegate en afvalliges want hul spreek na kwessies soos vertroue aan God, konformisme aan die Afrikaner kultuur en isolasie van die buitewereld.<br />
<br />
Hierdie generasie van ons jongmense is seker die belangrikste sedert die Voortrekkers, al weet ons dit nie. Dit gaan in ons hande wees of ons die Afrikaner nasie oor 100 jaar slegs in die anale van geskiedenis kan opspoor, omdat ons heeltemal geassimileer het met die globale kultuur, of dat jy nog die bittereinders gaan vind daar in Orania, afsgesluit van die wereld.<br />
<br />
Dit is in ons hande om ons kultuur die 21ste eeu in te neem; om 'n fyn balans te tref tussen tradisie en verandering.<br />
<br />
Kom ons sien waarna it als na gaan lei<br />
DieAlleenige</span>Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-29141750532055965162015-07-19T19:26:00.001-07:002015-07-19T19:39:21.334-07:00LonelinessI think is only slightly ironic that the word lonely appears in the title of this blog, but it took me nearly a year and a half to finally say something about this overhanging problem. <br />
The original intent of the lonely in the title of this blog was that in January 2013 I had gone through a tumultuous 2013 where I left the comfort of high school and my adopted hometown, Paarl, where I was respected and loved. I entered the New World for the very first time with no one there from the life I had lived prior to that point. It was only then, mid the newness, that I realized how socially isolated I was.<br />
<br />
I have never publicly admitted this before, but part of the reason for my insatiable drive to be the best in the world in athletics was that I knew people would interact with me and that I would "gain love and respect" this way. To be frank, that still is part of the reason for my drive to be the best in my sport. Numerous factors (which will be too much for one blog to dive into) created a perfect storm where the appeal of fame and the respect and love associated with living a publicly significant life became a very appealing position for me to be in. For some reason, this idea rests in my being that unless I am significant in many peoples eyes then I am a failure. I know being externally motivated is not per se the best way to approach success, life and sport, but it would be wrong to not admit that I am motivated why the social aspects of sporting glory. Maybe that's why the prevailing feeling in my heart, the feeling of shame, ruled in my heart after my less-than-perfect debut at Nationals a month ago. <br />
<br />
Going back to the point on loneliness in a new part in my life in America, when you go somewhere where no one knows you, your hard-sought for reputation might just as well never have existed. I actually needed to reach out to other peoples lives for the first time. Too bad I didn't do that in the beginning of my American odyssey. I didn't admit it, but I was very alone and obviously not admitting to a problem makes it nigh impossible to ever solve it. However, after the efforts of my parents, I committed to change this loneliness since June 2013. I have come so so far, but am still far away from being liberated from social isolation. <br />
<br />
I now have friends and teammates at South Alabama that have become so important to me. I actually recall a moment from the Spring semester where one friend asked me at the lunch table at the caf where I would want to be right now if I could be anywhere in the world. It might have seemed cheesy or insincere but I said that I wanted to be nowhere else in the world. Just prior to the question being asked of me I remember thinking, "Wow, I am so content right now. My lunch table was surrounded by people I care for and respect and I am sure the think the same of me." I thought the same during my birthday party last semester where 21 friends and teammates celebrated my 21st at Buffalo Wild Wings. It's interesting, ever singe semester at South Alabama has been better than the one that preceded it. Every semester I ask God how He can keep these blessings on coming - when will this end? I couldn't go on forever? I just feel so blessed.<br />
<br />
The thing is, this summer semester has been quite lonely. Almost all my people are out of town during these hot, stormy months. I often find myself resorting to solitary video games or YouTube videos to fill the hole left in my time that used to be spent around the cafeteria table sharing in memories with the people of South. I guess my social ability has regressed somewhat in the past two months because I spend most of my time hoping for and dreaming of August when everybody will be back.<br />
<br />
To finish off proceedings I must say that it is only in these moments of separation from my people that I realise that I am not lonely anymore. That's a seemingly contradictory statement, as I am now literally alone, but I describe myself as not so. For the first time in my life (well, maybe not the first time, but we humans have a bias towards the present) I desire to with people. I always denied this within me; the seeds of being a citizen of an overly individualistic culture left me with fully blossomed disconnect from other humans. We humans are made for interaction, for other people, to cherish and to share with others, but modern day extreme individualism has told us that you don't need others. Man is the measure of all things, not men, apparently. Though this summer has helped me to start the breaking free process from the destructive asocial ideal of Western culture. I DO miss my family back home, I DO miss my friends, teammates and the familiarity of seeing known faces as I bike across campus. My atonement from Social Anxiety Disorder has reached a new mile marker - I now truly know that I am made for others and that without others there is not much to my existence except survival. Where we not made to thrive instead of survive?<br />
<br />
Longingly<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-55816438924539689552015-06-12T20:31:00.002-07:002015-06-12T20:54:38.208-07:00Hello Darkness, My Old FriendI write now mere hours after finishing in an abysmal 20th place at the NCAA Outdoor Track and Field Championships in Eugene, Oregon in the discus throw having been ranked 8th or 9th. I had my third shortest meet of the year and it's really tough to deal with all the negativity in my head right now. In fact, I have developed quite the headache.<br />
<br />
Let me go on a good old ramble because this is probably the thing I need most right now. This was my 3rd major sub-par meet in my life. I came 5th at the IAAF World Youth Championships in 2011, having been ranked 2nd. I finished 15th at the IAAF World Junior Championships in 2012, having been ranked 8th. And now today, my lowest ever position on any level in any discus competition. My previous worst was that 15th from 2012. I have received gut punch after gut punch at the major meets. The worst part was that I trained so well on Tuesday at Hayward Field. If I had one of those throws today, it would have been much different. Yet, that's not how life and sport work. There is no prize for winning training sessions. Unless your effort is displayed on the big screen and in terms of medals about your neck, there is no glory. This is a terribly hard thing about athletics. You can fixate yourself on something for years (9 and a half for me) and then seem like a fricken noob on competition day. After my performance today, you wouldn't think that I actually had a really good season so far with many breakthroughs and firsts. Yet the pain of inadequacy and under-performance looms awfully large. It was embarrassing to be on the field today after my third and final attempt. The 11 000 people in the stands must have wondered what this effeminate guy was trying to do - competing with men? Bah! <br />
<br />
I now, more fully, understand the pain of higher level sport. Man oh man, I now feel so deeply for the Brazil footballers after bowing out to Germany in the World Cup semis (does 7-1 ring a bell?). I remember sitting in a tent right after the discus - gruesome thoughts were mulling through my seared mind. I was doubting my worth as an athlete and actually as a human. I already struggle with a brittle self-esteem because of negative thought patterns (such as an inferiority complex) I have had for many years. Believe me, I am fighting these ancient negative thought patterns very hard and I have made great strides but losses such as today only seem to scratch open old painful wounds. I guess, I still have much work to do (to overcome these old demons) because the man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right. It's all in my hands but there are still times when the ancient titans are too strong for the contemporary heroes. That's one thing I have learned about neurosis and mental struggles - you never truly eradicate them from your history. You only better learn to tie them down and inoculate them before they can attack. If you let your guard down for just a tad too long, the neurosis is back in it's full evil glory, but this time with a fervent determination to make up for lost time. My biggest battle has always been with self-esteem (most prominently social self-esteem) and to a lesser extent self-worth. So, until the end of time I will have to teach myself to consider myself worthy of another person's time and, maybe one day, know that I am worthy of another's life. Yet, that future Avalon/Valhalla/Sovngard/Utopia/Paradise is still a distant one for me.<br />
<br />
I join the ranks of The Fallen once more. Once more I am subject to the annals of history where... no, wait there are no records kept of The Fallen. The moment they depart us from this Good Earth they are made a distant memory, slowly disappearing from history as the rememberers are sent into the abyss themselves. Ere the midnight strike, we are but gone from even being a byword for the greatest historians. We are lost. Gone. Forsaken from time. Such is the story of failure. Such are the struggles of not achieving. Such and so are the days of our lives. The feast and the famine. The light and the dark. The victor and the vanquished. The Yin and the Yang. The life and the death. Ashes to ashes we flow as leaves tossed to and fro in the perpetual winds of time - only to be brought hence by fate and chance. <br />
<br />
If it is fate and chance, then this must be our destiny? Or maybe we tell ourselves this is our destiny so that we do not have to more truly accept the horror of reality? Reality bears an inconvenient truth that can topple empires and annihilate nations, but those who embrace it are deemed free. For the truth will set you free, but never was it said that the truth will cast you in the everlasting lake of bliss. Nay, the truth only lets the veil over our eyes be cleaved asunder and allows us to breathe, to look, to hear, to smell, to taste, to love, to hate and to experience more fully, more authentically. As someone who appreciates authenticity more than almost anything in this life - it's a blissful death. It's beautiful to die consumed in the reality. To know that you finally know beyond any doubt.<br />
<br />
Yet, I cannot say that I know, but I will suppose for now is that this Shadow that has encompassed me round about can maybe mean something to you. Maybe my lamentations of my life and the honesty whereby I make these innards so public to the world might make you realize that there is another who struggles - just like you. I feel the depth of the field of the pain, both in the emotional and physical realm, of yours. <br />
<br />
I must take a moment to say sorry. As I said in my most recent post on Facebook, this may be an individual sport, but without other people it would be pointless. I am sorry for building up your hopes and then fail thereupon. I am sorry I had to take away all the time and money that was spent on taking me to this meet away from someone else who might have done far greater things. I am sorry for everybody who has to read to this and be saddened. I am sorry for all those who will attempt to console me. I am sorry for taking your time. Most of all I am sorry to my parents. Anders as myself, het ek sekerlik vir julle die meeste teleurgestel. Ek wens ek kan net een dag vir 'n slag met oorwinning huis toe kom sodat ek darem kan probeer om vir al jul opofferings iets terug te bring. Die NCAA trofee sou vir julle wees, maar helaas. <br />
<br />
However, know also that this train ain't stoppin'. We may have returned this campaign dead on our shield back to our abode, but that is only the physical body. The mind and the soul still lives on. It may be that the flame of this soul that has burned so bright and hot before has lost some of it's Kelvin and Lux, but I am here and I still live. For now, the catharsis and lamentations will run their course, but the flame of this revolution will not be stilled so easily. Get thee hence, Satan, for I know my God has given me the strength to overcome this. And so I shall, that maybe if the only mark I left upon this world would be that I kept going, I never surrendered, I never lost the war and most of all, that I ran (threw?) the race until the very finish line - not an inkling before, but certainly anything beyond; albeit I receive no reward at the end of it, as long as it bodes well for the End of All Days. Onward, to a new dawn, however long this night may still be; this shadow is only a passing thing - for our day will come.<br />
<br />
From The Fallen<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-81537646207559248242015-05-25T18:40:00.000-07:002015-05-25T18:40:26.693-07:00Between Two Worlds; The Struggle of a Foreigner Growing Away From HomeThere is one major problem with that awkward period between the end of Spring semester and the start of Summer school, one has far too much time at hand. Normally, I do some quick scrolls through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram during the semester, but when you have no classes and not too many commitments to attend do, you find yourself extending those quick scrolls to deep, lengthy analysis of the lives of others who appear on your timeline. Yet, no paper is published, no peer discussion groups are started, instead, all of the study builds up in one's head. The twisting kaleidoscope of thoughts, information, feelings and memories evoke a full spectrum of emotion. Old enemies are doing well and you feel terrible for not going for alliance instead of steely relations. Old flames transcend the fears you had of them, making you doubt why you decided to extinguish that flame in the first place. Some are still stuck in the emerging adulthood limbo of finding a way in this life. Some are sporting shiny rings on the fingers and others a shiny new four wheel toy to show of their mastery of worshipping the capitalist Empire.<br />
<br />
I am a great lover of Facebook, it has allowed me to gain access to entire new worlds which I ne'er would have found myself in. Indeed, I am now in that world which previously was only something I could live vicariously through the shiny faces on the television. Being in this new world of America has removed me from the my native world - South Africa. I look through the pictures and videos and see how I miss out on the struggles and triumphs of my culture and my people. <br />
The murder of farmers is a big ol' problem in my country. Thousands have been killed since rebirth of '94. Yet, recently a movie has been made to highlight and bring together all sides of the divide - the killers and the killed. I can only imagine how this movie will swoop farm murders into the foreground of national discourse in my beloved nation. Maybe this will improve things? I won't be there to see it. I will be living vicariously through the lives of Facebook friends who are on the forefront of the struggle and some even in the backseat of the struggle. <br />
I see how young adults of my age in South Africa start to reach the Spring of their lives. The young women have reached the zenith of beauty, which, as we know too well, only cascades downwards from hence (even though I personally find the height of a woman's beauty to be in the mid to late thirties). The bad boys from school are finding their way in this life - realizing that their rebellion was merely a yearning for the discovery of their higher purpose which the identity moratorium (as we like to call it in Psychology) of the teenage years finally has brought them too. They are now ready to engage with the true manhood which is ambition, drive and passion. <br />
<br />
Part of being a human and being part of a culture or a nation is that you get to share in it's highlights and lowlights. I can boast about my people having caused the British their most costly war since Napoleon one hundred years ago, but I must also hang my head in the shame to the fact that we only ended Apartheid 21 years ago and woefully suppressed a people - which is biting us right in the ass now. Our struggle nowadays is towards reconciliation and solidarity. I sit here in America and look onwards as the people who have been left behind try and fight this fight. If all goes well and we can truly unify our country, I cannot tell my children that I was part of this struggle. I was away, frolicking overseas, trying to get an education and experience some of the New World. <br />
It's sad that I lose my part in the evolution of my culture. I can only support artists, musicians and filmmakers from 13 000kms away. Maybe that gives me the chance to spread the ideals, hopes and dreams of my people to a far removed place. Maybe that's why I am on these yonder shores. <br />
<br />
Though, I can say it is not all bad. As you slowly feel your own people and culture slip from your identity, you have the need to replace that all with something new. So, I place America in my mindset and make that part of my identity. I learn about the struggles the common man faces here. I learn what concerns them, I learn what it is like to be them, I learn what makes them happy. By immersing yourself so fully in the culture and lives of others, you cannot help but feel that you become part of them. As each year ticks by, I feel myself more concerned and closer to the matters of the United States. Of course, the matters of home is still within me, but my personal experience of the happenings of my own people becomes ever more outdated with the passage of time. <br />
Eventually the stories of the those around you become more important than those who were around you. You find yourself in a tension of opposites - the past, the culture you left behind and how it formed you and then the present, the possible future and how the present culture is challenging and changing you. The question is how to you act in the midst of this tension filled environment? Do I let go and let the concerns and ideas of the now absorb me and make me one of its own, or do I hold tight to tension that binds me to the past and it's reflected glory? <br />
As ever, the answer is probably answerable by the Greeks. "Nothing in excess." the timeless maxim sounds out from Athens' ageless stones. Appreciate the formative power of the yesteryears, but envelop yourself in the new culture as well.<br />
<br />
As for me though, I am still more bound to home than not, but, no doubt, I can feel the tension drawing me back thence weaken by the year. Where will the Great Decider take me?<br />
Only his greatest equalizer could tell me - time.<br />
<br />
Carry on, my wayward son<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-29109706379701677142015-04-26T18:17:00.002-07:002015-04-26T19:49:21.224-07:00Sunday Evening Musings of the UnlovedSomething I find myself thinking about far more than I should is love. Then again, can one really think too much about such a powerful force? It shaped history like none other and even God likes love so much that he equated Himself thereto. Maybe my thoughts are spurned on more by the fact that I have been on the lesser end of love, rather than the greater end. I should say that never have I lacked love from my God, my family, my friends, my community, my team, my teachers, etc. If anything, I sometimes feel as though the Almighty might have dealt me unfairly too much love from these wonderful people. The thought process is, "Maybe someone else needs or deserves this love more than I do?" The average person would spring into action and quickly curtail my questioning soul and let me understand that this is a destructive thought process. <br />
<br />
I suppose more than anything in this life, our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, shapes us and our worlds. Love is fundamental to the human experience. To live therewithout is not to live at all. Whenever, therefore, we start to doubt the love that is already within our lives, your average person would try and upend those thoughts long before they start to manifest and fester and inflame and infect.<br />
Yet, as I indicated before, I thankfully lack not in the caring variant of love, what I do lack is the romantic, the companionate love which 90% of all literature, entertainment and art is devoted to exploring more deeply. I make this common knowledge in my conversations with others, but, at the time this essay is published, I, as 21 year old heterosexual male, have never been in a relationship before. I know not the lips of another. Is this situation brought about entirely by one factor? Nay, for all of life is interaction. By this I mean that in every conceivable situation (except mathematics) there is more than one explanation as to why what we behold is at it is. I am single partly due to lack of salient opportunities, partly due to fear, partly due to perceived inability, partly due to perceived unworthiness, partly due to idealism, partly due to romanticism and partly due to commitments to being the best I can be for the person I am to, hopefully, eventually share love with. <br />
<br />
I have that unique vantage point (which, frankly, all of us have for a large part of the initial stages of our lives) of not really knowing the depths, the feasts and the famines of romantic, companionate love. As is human nature, one tends to ponder much about things which one has not, unless one comes to acceptance and absolution of the situation in question. Clearly, I am not in acceptance of a lack of love. When Wilde pens "The curves of your lips rewrite history." I am driven to the power and effect that a kiss can have. When The Perks of Being a Wallflower delineates that "in that moment we were infinite" I desire to feel, to experience this sense of mortal immortality. When Grey's Anatomy questions love, "'I'm afraid it's going to destroy me.' 'It's not love if it doesn't.'" I am intrigued and enticed to know more about this immaculate force that has the ability to conceive and create human life, but also seems to destroy it as readily. When U2 and Bono sing, "I felt the healing in her fingertips." my soul almost lusts after the touch of another that can potentially obliterate all my fears and anxieties in a such a simple gesture.<br />
<br />
Being without and being constantly told what it is to be therewith, one cannot help but be desirous of being therewith. Will I stay in my stay perpetually? I do hope not, but what I hope even more than being relieved of my lack is that I may be relieved in God's Good Time. <br />
<br />
Love is what I want. It is what all who tread this Earth want, for it is hard to argue against something that is felt so strongly - such is, has been and always will be the story of love.<br />
<br />
Love<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-89544349483100457522015-02-26T12:41:00.001-08:002015-02-26T12:41:31.427-08:00F.E.A.R.The word fear was perched nice and high on the white board behind my laptop above my desk. I look at this white board (aptly named "The Situation Room") numerous times a day, as I plan my week on it. I also have a small section on the board where I place ideas and other long-term to dos. Fear was one of the topics which I have resolved to post about for quite some time now.<br />
Why? Well, it has been a driving force in my own life and to know fear is to know me better.<br />
<br />
Elliott Hulse, one of the great YouTubers and "philosophers" of our time, once said on a video of his (if I remember correctly!) that in this life we have two major driving forces - fear and vision. The idea is that almost all the things we do is related to fear or vision somehow. Fear is self explanatory and I will come to it, but vision is less so. By vision he means your dreams, your hopes, your desires for your own, your family's, someone or something's future. If you envision yourself to be the person who finally gets all nations to agree on a comprehensive deal that will curb Global Warming, you will wake up each morning doing things to realize that vision. I a sense you could say that you<br />
are driven by the fact that you do not want the image you see in your brain to remain bound to fiction anymore. You want it to be born. You are thus a creator. This can obviously be good or bad as someone may envision becoming an evil mastermind.<br />
<br />
Returning to fear, I know that my life has always been a tension of opposites - fear v vision. I am the man in the middle of two great forces pulling on me from distant ends. For much of it, fear has been the dominant opposite. Revealing emotions to others for example is a fear. Maybe I am going to eat and on the way I see trash lying on the ground or I see someone throwing trash on the ground, I get upset. Walking on, someone stares at me for no apparent reason - anger builds. By the time I reach place of eating, I might be quite frustrated and borderline angry at all the small things that happened. A friend wonders why I am so quiet and I just say that I am always quiet.<br />
Really though it is fear that prevents me from saying what really happens. I know that if I let my walls come down and tell the person "I just hate it when people stare at me for no apparent reason" or "It really is hard for my to see wastefulness and pollution." there might be further questions. "Why do you have a problem with starting people?" "Why do you care about one bit of trash?"<br />
Obviously as the questions explore the undergrowth of psyche even more I might start showing the societally determined negative emotions sadness and anger. <br />
No, people shouldn't see my angry or sad because that would require too much explaining which might force me to show more emotion. So, I put on the old mask of introversion, detachment and stoicism. No emotion, no feelings - no questions. <br />
<br />
I thank God that this fear is weakening within me and I am much more open about my feelings than ever before, but it's still a long way from being where it can be. As many of you know, I have/had social phobia. An example might be that someone visits our house (even if it's someone I know) and I run to my room when I see them at the gate. I stand in my room knowing that this fear is nonsensical and baseless, but I can't seem to move towards the door where I will be seen. That old enemy fear grabs hold and anchors me to the ground. The vision of me being a confident, expressive and assertive (yet sensitive, empathetic and caring) you man pulls my thoughts toward how I will walk out of my room, greet the visitor to our house and converse. I am slap-bang in the middle of the tension of opposites; fear pulls me to the comfort of my bed and browsing the internet whereas visions pulls me over the edge of my comfort zone. For a camera focused on me, I seem almost frozen (stoic, detached, introverted) but for the Great Storyteller who can see the workings of my thought and feelings know that the tension of the opposites are near breaking point within me. <br />
<br />
How did this situation end? An external force got me out of my room and then I seem awkward as the decision was made for me and the tension of opposites never truly got resolved. With enough of these my vision becomes dependent on the external force and we all know that's not the best way to go about things. True change and improvement can only come if it is from within. Don't get me wrong, more often than not we need those external forces to shove us in the right direction and let us know that fear is pulling is far too strongly and we are being pulled away from the vision. Sometimes we can only know this when an outsider can look upon us and see what we cannot see. This can only be done if we let those walls come down and let people know what's going on. <br />
It should be mentioned that someone else might be pulled by fear and might cause you to be pulled by fear even stronger, but generally the people in your life really wants you to move closer to that vision. Let them do that.<br />
<br />
I thank my family that they have always handled this situation really well for me. Now I am far more able to regulate the tension of opposites truly on my own.<br />
As a final note not all fear motivations are bad (researching cancer because you want to have a cure when you or a family member is afflicted is a good motivation), but it is down to each of us to know when to gravitated fearwards or visionwards and other people can help us do that.<br />
<br />
Face Each Affliction Readily<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-61547129695447047962015-01-12T10:19:00.001-08:002015-01-12T10:19:13.796-08:00Social Opportunity - Not Initiating and Regretting ItIt really sucks that this is my first post in two and a half months.<br />
However, I am back at it again making this the first one for 2015 and the start of my second year of blogging!<br />
I want to write about opportunity today, but specifically opportunities in the social spectrum as this lies to the heart of many issues when you have social anxiety like me.<br />
<br />
Back in the day, when I was very much in denial about my social anxiety and, to be fair, mostly unaware of it, I saw myself as an oblivious person. I knew that I had an impeccable knack for not realizing that someone was trying to talk to me. Whenever there were signs that someone was trying to converse mewards I would tell myself that maybe they're mistaking me for someone else or maybe they are trying to start a talk with someone behind me. When a smile would appear and the person's body language open up to me (you know, typical social initiation signs) I would always immediately deny that it was actually happening. "Why would this person want to talk to me?" is a question I still struggle with to this very day and I hope to God will one day overcome. In the meantime though, I deny the reality and often come across as weird or cold - I don't reverberate the energy that the other person projects to me. Before you know it, after a few abrupt superficial sentences the other person is gone and then the self-loathing starts. Hell hath no fury like my mind after a failed social interaction. I go into painstakingly small details of how the person really wanted to talk to me regardless of whether there is any sort of divide between us (as I like to create fake hierarchies in my mind where I am at the bottom and all are above me). Then I start feeling guilty. Guilty that I could not honour this person's bravery in trying to bridge a gap in a world where the chasms between us grow larger by the day.<br />
<br />
All the above happens without my facial expressions not changing much at all. I am reminded of a flight I was on the other night which so well illustrates the above. I was seated next to a woman and I could feel within in me that I had to talk to her. Initially I did not, but that strange energy that drives us to reach out to other people swole within me. My friend who sat in front of me even tried to help me on. The energy then became so great that I started resenting myself for not doing anything. The mind fury was its usual fierce and through my self speech I broke myself down to the metaphorical ground. The feelings of unworthiness and guilt were so much that this negative feedback loop would prevent me from reaching out. All of this happened without my facial expressions changing much at all. To an outsider it would look like I was casually paging through and airline magazine. <br />
The sad part is that she probably wanted to talk to me, because she did break the ice later on, but I was already so down in the dumps that I was a mere shadow of a man.<br />
<br />
I am a feminist and I believe in the social and legislative equality of man and woman so you would think that affording the opportunity for a woman to do the ice breaking would actually make me feel good. It didn't. Indeed, I felt so emasculated and ashamed of myself. Not per se that I afforded her the opportunity to start, but that I had a desire within me which was constrained from reaching reality because of fear. To live a life ruled by fear is the worst life there is, I would reckon. Sadly though, this is the life we as anxiety sufferers (even my case which is quite mild) live. Our amygdalas just have to be overactivated at the most inopportune of times. Fear becomes our masters and we live under its iron fists - lives of unrealized potential.<br />
<br />
I guess that's the hardest part about missing opportunities; looking back one day and seeing all the opportunities you missed, all the potential squandered, all the what ifs. Believe me, as a anxiety sufferer I play through thousands of what ifs and miss even more opportunities by daydreaming. <br />
It's not all doom and gloom though. If I really have a definite objective for conversing with someone, then I can talk to anyone. For example, if someone told me to go ask someone about this or that I can do it. However, general superficial conversation (which really makes the bulk of social interactions) that brings hardship. You would think that a harmless lamentation of rain or a nice compliment of someone's hair would be easy to do, but those are the hard ones. What if the person thinks I am one of those people that complains all the time? What if that person thinks I am creepy or what if I am seeming too flirtatious?<br />
<br />
I end up saying nothing. The movie of what ifs playing in my head. The other person leaving the scene probably wondering why I was so cold. I know that I am anything but cold, but a fire on a cold day is only of worth when other people can feel it. <br />
<br />
At least, in my journey with social anxiety I have reached the point of realizing when opportunities arise and when I miss them. This wasn't always the case and this already puts me well ahead of where I always was. Next up would be to act on those opportunities in spite of fear regardless of whether the interaction turns out all right or not. <br />
<br />
God make me valiant, brave, courageous<br />
TheLonelymanJan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3095727174013847078.post-13383075608684696492014-10-28T20:51:00.001-07:002014-10-28T20:54:54.769-07:00To Feel Worthy<h3>
A post of personal reflection and my struggles with worthiness and self-acceptance</h3>
One thing that I have been battling with since genesis is feeling worthy and accepting myself. I think back to a small moment in my life when I was probably 11 or 12 years old. Our neighbor, who was also our little town of 300's nurse, congratulated me because I achieved something or it was my birthday. I shyly replied "Okay." Luckily, my mother was with me and quickly taught me how to accept a compliment. "Say thank you." From that day onwards, I learned to say thank you when people did find some reason to compliment me. However, my difficulty of accepting the kindness of another person didn't decrease all that much 9 years later, although my decorum did improve somewhat. <br />
<br />
You can ask me why I find it hard to accept a compliment and truly manifest it as part a part of me and I'm not entirely sure why it is what it is. I guess that's why I am writing this post to try and mull over my problems, but for once outside of my head. My family have told me before that I am one of the last people that should have self-esteem issues. I have many things that the Almighty has so gracefully blessed me with. Yet, I can't seem to believe it. A month or so ago, while I was leaving our campus recreation building after a solid few games of wiff-waff (ping pong apparently) a young lady came up to me and said to me that I had beautiful hair. My autonomic reflexes kicked in and I gave her a glance and said "Thank you, I appreciate that comment very much." I walked away, my pace was probably hastened because I did what I do best - run away from my problems and opportunities. I felt very bad about that minute situation for the rest of the day. I felt as though I did not respect her bravery for complimenting me. I mean, I know how incredibly hard it is to walk up to a stranger and tell them something like that. In fact, it's so hard that I've never done it in my life before. I should have looked her in the eyes and said thank you, maybe even a hand on the shoulder and compliment her for her bravery. I guess I could have said the same back because she had a glorious bush of blonde, curly hair, which I have a liking for. Instead, I ran away.<br />
<br />
My self-worth and self-acceptance seems to take an exceptional nosedive in the presence of women. I hate to say this, but especially in the company of beautiful women. I hate saying beautiful women, because society is so fixated on facial and bodily beauty that we look over the majesty and wonder that lies within our hearts and souls. I try to not cloud my judgment by looking at outward appearance, but because I am a human with sexually hardwired predispositions, I fail in this regard too. Maybe I take my rebellion against mainstream overvaluation of beauty too far. Maybe I should learn to embrace it too. I just find it hard to be a man driven by his penis. I want to be driven by my heart, my brain and my God. I don't want to be an animal, even though my mind is inseparable from my natural body. I just feel incredibly bad when I look at a woman because she is attractive instead of trying to value her personality. Instead over the course of my lifetime I conditioned myself to not look at all hence the lack of female friends. I guess you need to see something on the outside first before you can take the first steps to knowing the inside.<br />
<br />
I feel as though I am unworthy of other people's time therefore I don't always speak first to someone. Almost all the relationships I have with other people was because they approached me first and because I was at the right time and place, doing the right thing. Unless someone else set me up to do something, I can't do it on my own. I that case I am doing it for someone else's sake, which I am very willing to help. I can't seem to help myself though. I just can't seem to go and talk to a random person without having a clear, well-defined goal. I feel completely unworthy of someone else's time, even though normally people find my company pleasant or at least stimulating. It seems as though the positive reinforcement of other people's comments that they enjoy my company or that I find myself in these people's company often (which would imply that they like me enough not to avoid me) is not enough to break through to me. Why won't it just get through to me? People reading this may think that I have no self-worth issues, but if you struggle with something long enough your array of masks to don for different situations increases by quite a bit, I can tell you.<br />
<br />
Yeah, I mean sometimes it's so bad that I walk slowly or stop and pretend to do something to avoid the person in front of me having to hold the door open for me. In that moment, I tell myself that I don't want to inconvenience them. They don't have to halt their busy life to do something for me. Right after that I know within my heart that I didn't only stop and/or walk slowly but because I don't know why someone would do something good for me. Why would someone stop and care about me? Why am I worth wasting a second or two from someone else's life? This leads into the next section quite well.<br />
<br />
Why would anyone love me? Yeah, this is gruesome and hard to grasp. My parents laid down their lives for me and always told me they loved me. I cannot blame them. I can blame myself, because I didn't pay them back for their selfless sacrifices that have stretched well over two decades for myself and our family. Maybe this is partly why I have never even come close to being in a romantic relationship. I look at myself and say I am not worthy of this woman's time, life and love. That's why I never approach, even though I almost always only mean good. It gets worse when I talk to someone I find a wonderful person. "This person is so amazing, they will have no time for a sorry sack such as myself. I have nothing to contribute, therefore I am not worthy of their love." Then I stand in awe of some men. You know those short, unattractive, unemployed men who think they can have any woman in the world and then often they are successful? Ha, I see that too. I think to myself, gosh, I am a little bit smart, I have a good sense of humour, I am witty, I am not ugly, I have a good sense of values and I truly care for other people so I should be an even better candidate, right? For some reason, I don't believe that, even though there are a myriad of cases that would prove that I am so, so wrong. <br />
<br />
I guess I will never truly be able to love another person until I can love myself. For that reason, I thank God that I have never been in a relationship because it would have ended in tatters because I would have needed too much support. <br />
<br />
Thank God that I'm still only 20 and more than half of college to go. I can learn to start believing in myself, loving myself and finally feeling worthy in the my time left on this earth. <br />
<br />
Hopefully, I can share this love with another<br />
TheLonelyman<br />
<br />Jan-Louw Kotzéhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11883315596111841790noreply@blogger.com1